Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Can I get a side-order of 'oh the friggin shame' with that?

Danger!!! This one's not for the easily-offended...

I have the stereo-typical Irish mother. Catholic, conservative, bakes an awful lot of brown bread and apple tarts, threatened us with the wooden spoon when we were bold kids and thinks the sun shines out of her sons's arses..and her daughters's...allegedly... sometimes I wonder... This is a woman who up until recently (when I swear she musta started the menopause or something coz shes chilled so much..) considered  'sugar!' to be her strongest expletive and 'merciful hour!' and 'heavens above!' were her ways of expressing surprise, shock, disgust, etc. So the following story shocked all us of the offspring variety to an extreme degree.....

(Story concerns younger brother, 15)

So the mother instructs the young lad to tidy his room coz it was a kip, and off he goes on his merry way ..scratch that, he probably stormed.. to tidy the bedroom. He comes back after a few minutes and says to the auld wan, "I'm not aaaable to tidy my room!! Will you do it for me??" And much to the surprise of all, coz this wouldn't have happened when I was a young lass, ma agrees, and off she goes.

After a while, the brother is called down to the room and ma has a question for him... With an auld rag in her hand, she turns to him and says, "whats this, son?" My brother looks at it, winces and says " don't wanna know ma..." In surprise she drops it like a hot potato and says, with trepidation mind you, " it....for wanking in??"

Pause. This is a woman who didn't know the modern slang for kissing a boy a while back and clicks her fingers while she dances! Not a word you expect to hear from her..and I in retrospect I believe I taught her that one by accident...

Play. Ignoring the look of absolute horror on his face, she continues,almost proudly "I learned that word last year". The brother, caught off guard and in utter shock, goes with the 'honesty is the best policy approach' and replies, "yeh ma, it is", to which she says, and I shit you not, "Well, do you want me to wash it for you?" WTF Like?? Boy stares for a minute, "..what?" Oblivious, she elaborates, "Well, will you need it tonight or will I wash it for you??" Needless to say, "no, go on, wash it.." and a hasty exit are the reply.

Brother comes into the kitchen with a horror stricken look on his face..."most.. awkward.. moment..ever...."

A few days later, the brother receives the rag back from the wash, washed, ironed and folded neatly.

Sometimes I worry about that woman and her schizo behaviour... In my older brother's day she woulda freaked... It's got to be the menopause.....


  1. This story was hilarious! I had to repeat it to my husband. You've got yourself a follower after just that one!

    P.S. Found ya on 20sb. ;)

  2. thanks!!! ha wow, the pressure's on now!!! :P