Do not read this if you have a weak stomach, a fear of poo or have just eaten.
Seriously?? You're still gonna read this??? ....just don't say I didn't warn you........
I will never understand the mindset of someone who takes a shit on a kitchen chair.
A sentence I never thought I would ever see myself writing, hear myself saying, need to even think about! And yet, I've just written it. And I could be a bit more lenient if it was a child, or even an old incontinent person, but it wasn't. It was a young adult! A college student! And it wasn't even their fucking chair!! It was mine!!!!! ..let me explain.
During the week, I live in rented accommodation with my sister and some of my friends in the town where I go to college. This year, once everyone was moved in and settled, we decided to have a party, as us young people are wont to do. And all was merry and joyous. We had some drinks, had the craic, and then went out for the night.
On returning, some of us went straight upstairs to bed, one took a bed downstairs and two fell asleep on the sofa in the sittingroom. In the middle of the night, I awoke to a loud crash and on venturing downstairs, found one of the two who had been asleep in the sittingroom, now on the floor in the middle of the room, scrabbling around blindly and babbling incoherently. And so, I brought her to the bedroom downstairs and dropped her on the double bed with whoever else was there already- the other occupant of the sittingroom was now asleep on a mattress in the kitchen for some reason. And I went back to bed.
The next morning, I woke early, went downstairs to make tea, in a hungover state of course, and saw what appeared to be a brown lump on a kitchen chair that was in the sittingroom from the party the night before.
Oh God, someones been sick on a chair!!! Or at the very least spilled their food.....my head hurts, I'm going back to bed. and I did.
On waking a few hours later, I went back down to the sittingroom where I found all my housemates sitting in stunned silence and staring at the kitchen chair, which I had subsequently forgotten about...in the cold light of day, I realised my mistake.
>Lads....is that shit? Did..did someone shit on our kitchen chair???
A number of horrified faces looked up at me briefly, numbly nodding their heads. Then, as a body, all of us turned back and stared, appalled at the chair.
>Why would someone do something like that? one of the lads whispered.
After a few minutes of staring, in dumb silence, we finally decided that nobody could be so disgusting as to shit on a chair, and since, we remembered, one of the girls had been going around chewing up chocolate sweets and spitting them around the toilet bowl so we'd think someone had missed, we decided that was what must have happened, and so, one of the lads, confident in his decision that what we were looking at was in fact, Ferrerro Rocher and not poo, volunteered to smell it. I lifted the chair over to him, taking care to keep as far away from the brown substance as possible, not as confident as he in the morals of humanity, and held it up while he debated sticking a finger in it to get a better smelling opportunity, and eventually decided that he would just go as it was.
The look of utter traumatised disgust proved to us that it was not chocolate. Some fucked up bastard took a shit on our chair.
Eventually, we drew lots. And decided that whoever cleaned the chair didn't have to clean anything else in the house. One boy held the plastic bag while another, wearing rubber gloves and holding cardboard scraped the offending matter off the chair into the bag. Another lad appeared with the kettle full of boiling water and from a distance, because the smell was killing me, I squirted washing up liquid at random all over the seat. The rubber gloved boy washed with a cloth and then disposed of both rubber gloves and cloth. The chair was left outside for the elements to finish the job.
Suspect number 1: The girl I found on the floor who had been on the sofa asleep...she was drunk enough to do it...maybe without even realising.
Suspect number 2: The boy who took the downstairs bedroom..he left awfully quick in the mornin, something he usually doesn't do..
Suspect number 3: One of our own!! The owner of the downstairs bedroom who had been on the sofa and ended up in the kitchen!!! I know, shock horror, surely one of our own wouldn't betray us like that..but these are suspicious times...
What kind of thing goes through somebody's head to make them do that??!! Why would someone even do it???!! Why??
All I can say is..... at least it wasn't the carpet or the upholstery.....