Thursday, January 20, 2011

Sit on my face and tell me that you love me...

(Serious flashback happening here.....)

The only thing I could think of was that Monty Python song as the scene played out in front of me... I could hear it being sung in my head and for a minute it didn't seem real... it was as if I were imagining a role for myself in one of his films, because surely things like this didn't happen in real life. WRONG! Coz it fucking did....

It was a lovely afternoon at Easter time and my brother and I were partaking in an Easter revision course in preparation for our Leaving Certificate exams that coming summer. (The Leaving Cert is the state examination you sit at the end of Secondary School- around age 17-19, the results of which determine your acceptance into your choice of college course.) It was a week long intensive course, so needless to say we were both bored off our tits and made the most of our hour-long break to hang out in the bustling hub that was the half-dead shopping centre nearby... A real ideal way to spend an unseasonably hot Easter week...

Anyway, I was drinkin a smoothie and we were chatting away, havin the banter before we had to go back and endure an hour long session of Irish in a roasting classroom with the windows all closed YAY, and we had a seat on the bench that circled the fountain in the middle of the shopping centre, watching people go by and whatnot. As we sat there a lady approached the fountain- I saw her out of the corner of my eye although I didn't really pay much attention to her at first. I remember she was..well, rather a large being however.

My brother, a casual guy at the best of times, decided that he needed a lie-down, and lay back along the bench. I still see this moment play out in slow motion in my head. He lay back, and all of a sudden there was a large arse reversing towards his head. 
...It's not that what followed next all happened so fast that I didn't have time to give warning.. it was more that I honestly could not believe that something like this could actually happen in real life, surely someone, one of them, would see what was happening and right it before it all went arse-ways (hehe). It was like some kind of sick curiosity gripped me and I had to let things play out and see what would happen.

And there it was. Neither of them even saw it coming, but the next thing we knew she was sitting on his face. I remember that flash of a look of horror on his face as, at the last moment my brother saw what was about to happen, and then it was lost under masses of behind. She jumped up like she'd been bitten and shot a furious look at him like he'd stuck his head under her arse knowingly, like he was some arse-predator who got his kicks from being half-smothered by people sitting on him, like there was nothing he wanted to do more in the world than motorboat her arse cheeks. In return, of course she got a horrified stare from each of us, the kind that screams 5months of therapy  needed from this experience. Then with numerous backwards glares, probably to make sure he didn't follow her and stick that face right in there on the escalator for a round 2, she stormed off into the distance.

We sat there in silence for a few seconds, the brother in an upright position now, learning from his mistakes, processing what had just happened, "Did that actually just...??" Silent nods. "And then she acted like it was your fault". Silence for another few seconds before my peals of laughter echoed round the centre.

"A fat lady just sat on your face!!!!!"

"That bitch", was all he could manage.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Leery Locomotive- why you shouldn't talk to strangers

You would be surprised at how many times you have to ask the random stranger sitting next to you on a train to please take his hand off your boob and thigh....

Or, I was anyway... I mean, surely it's not a big request to make like. Please stop molesting me. Simples! But, nope, apparently some people need to be told numerous times!?

On the train home today, doin me thing, nodding off, and the foreign person across the aisle to me decides to strike up awkward conversation. So we chat away and he wants to show me some pictures so he moves over and sits beside me.. SHIT 1!! Never let them sit beside you, thats a sure invitation! >Hey there you, sit beside me!! Oh wait....but really what I mean is grab my boob! Tch, of course, and I thought I had to be subtle like...

So he shows me his pictures, and then stays sitting next to me...ooop, he's a smart one, he is....that's how you do it...you just stay sitting there... Good man. Introduces himself and we shake hands, but oh look, he's added in a little kiss on the hand SHIT 2!!! he's established the first little gesture!!! now of course feel free to cop a feel!

We talk and he tells me about his job, he works for a designer, his Da owns a company in Italy, something to do with diamonds, and putting them on things...supplying them.... I dunno, but then he very nicely admires my body, coz y'know he's around designers all the time and he's totally used to seeing beautiful women, models and stuff, part of the job description y'know to check them out, and he does some designing himself and then since I seem interested in his job oh, what's that? SHIT 3! that's a sure invitation to admire my body WITH YOUR HANDS!! which he does. and I'm like, oop, careful now, tryna move away further into the window I've already squashed myself up against. And as the train journey continues, he tells me how he got married recently to an Irish girl who stole his heart when he met her back home in Italy, oh he's married, that's grand, feel safe again, no you don't coz that's SHIT 4, where you let your guard down coz he's a happy newly wed so feelin you up means nothing to him! and we keep chatting and he keeps laughingly giving me hugs which I don't reciprocate (SHIT 5- keeping you close so you can't escape!!!!) and peckin me on the cheek and he wonders why I won't kiss him back?? (6- make me feel like I'm hurting his feelings so I'll be more receptive!!!) Then he starts asking me about me, do I have a boyfriend? and of course, in a desperate attempt to make him back off, I lie through my teeth and announce, yes, yes I do, I have a boyfriend, I love my boyfriend, oh wow I love my boyfriend, but hadn't you guessed it, SHIT 7, that's another excuse for a hug and kiss coz apparently now I'm so cute with my boyfriend who I love and who he hopes counts himself very lucky coz I'm such a lovely girl!! And then lo and behold, he starts talking about sex! but of course, and how, and he's sure I know, coz he's sure me and my boyfriend do be riding and stuff y'kno, but girls take longer to 'get hot' as he puts it....oh dear mr., you really don't see how uncomfortable you're making me do you... and does my boyfriend know how coz...blah blah, oh god, yes he does, he knows perfectly well thank you, what's that, how does he do it?? well to be honest know this is starting to sound like very bad phone sex, let me just laugh awkwardly and shrug, oh right,8, that was an invite for another kiss on the cheek, I didn't realise I was so adorable.
He tells me he's been doing a course in massage in his spare time and would I like a go, and I say no thank you, I feel quite fine, but wait, he's not taking no for an answer, so lets just stare out the window at rain and hope that I can freeze sheets of rain into ice with my dagger looks that I can then SHOVE THROUGH HIS FACE!!!!!!!! ahem.. but no, alas, I cannot. And so instead I sit out the massage for another few minutes before announcing that I feel great now, thanks that was well sound. Oh, right, we've a SHIT 9 on our hands because apparently having experienced the massage means I'd like to hear about the different types of massage he does and wouldn't you know, tantric is one of them. well just don't offer me one of those! apparently tantric massages are very good, if you get a girl on the nipple, (STRIKE10) here, oh right, you just poked my boob again, thanks, and here (STRIKE 11!!!!) that would be my upper thigh there now, thanks....I'm just going to smile and nod. and the train journey goes on...and he doesn't seem to be getting off the train!! And why's that??? Because we appear to be getting off at the same stop! Great. SHIT 12, he's stalking me!! Only another half an hour of this then.....

So kisses in the cheek become kiss as close to getting me on the mouth as possible and I'm pretty sure I felt tongue tryna get me at one stage, but as he keeps reminding me he has a wife. THAT DOES NOT MAKE MOLESTATION OK!!! And he keeps putting his hand on my leg while we talk and I keep turning the subject to neutral topics like the weather or where he's from, tell me about your country. But oh no, he wants to tell me about how in his country people are so much more comfortable with nudity and it's not always about sex, and aren't I so cute, I look so shocked, and now I'm his little friend too. Lucky me. And when finally I manage to turn the conversation just to the sights of Italy, etc., he decided to invite me out to visit him sometime....no...I'm good thanks.... I think I'll stay here...not here though obviously, not on the train forever like, that'd be silly, but y'kno..

So apparently I'm a lovely girl, I'm his little friend, I'm very well brought up and mannerly and my parents should be very proud of me and of the good job they did raising me (that's my thigh) and I should make sure my boyfriend knows how lucky he is (that's my boob), oh we're going for another kiss on the cheek are we? And now he wants my number. Eh... how can I say EH...NO without making him want to murder me..... and so again, I lie through my teeth. >I don't give out my number any more to people. I had a very bad experience with someone who wouldn't stop harrassing me so y'kno, I find it best not to provide people with the opportunity any more... and of course he understands that feeling, oh we'll have a little empathy hug will we? coz nobody should do that to someone else, but of course he's not like that and he wouldn't be harrassing me (are you sure about that??) and am I sure I won't give him my number?? Quite. Sorry. And on and on the train goes. And five more times he asks me for my number and five more times I say, sorry, no. And finally he wants my email instead. and we reach the station and my brother rings me (nick of time, how do I get out of giving away my email like!!) and ooh gotta take this, oh the brother has a question for me, I don't kno the answer, hold on til I ring my sister and find out and then ring you back yeh? oh look, now I gotta ring my friend to see if she's collecting me but she's just had a drink so she can't so I'll ring a taxi instead, and my lovely new friend offers to give me a lift coz his wife is coming to get him, but I don't want to be taken into the wilderness so.. what's that she'll be here in 10minutes? well it's cold and I don't want offers of body warmth sharing.. y'see I'm in a rush, so I'll just ring a taxi instead, my friends are waiting for me in the town- aha, I'm learning! 1) i'm in a rush and don't have 10mins to wait, 2) PEOPLE KNOW WHERE I AM!!! they'll find me!! so no, thanks, taxi it is. And as the taxi arrives he's on his phone and I've spent the last few minutes on the phone to my friend asking very important questions about where I'm meeting her and if I'm sure there's no problems she'd really like to discuss with me? and i wave nicely, hop in the taxi and leave before he can fuck me goodbye...in a friendly way of course..coz he has a wife...so it's nothing sexual...