The only thing I could think of was that Monty Python song as the scene played out in front of me... I could hear it being sung in my head and for a minute it didn't seem real... it was as if I were imagining a role for myself in one of his films, because surely things like this didn't happen in real life. WRONG! Coz it fucking did....
It was a lovely afternoon at Easter time and my brother and I were partaking in an Easter revision course in preparation for our Leaving Certificate exams that coming summer. (The Leaving Cert is the state examination you sit at the end of Secondary School- around age 17-19, the results of which determine your acceptance into your choice of college course.) It was a week long intensive course, so needless to say we were both bored off our tits and made the most of our hour-long break to hang out in the bustling hub that was the half-dead shopping centre nearby... A real ideal way to spend an unseasonably hot Easter week...
Anyway, I was drinkin a smoothie and we were chatting away, havin the banter before we had to go back and endure an hour long session of Irish in a roasting classroom with the windows all closed YAY, and we had a seat on the bench that circled the fountain in the middle of the shopping centre, watching people go by and whatnot. As we sat there a lady approached the fountain- I saw her out of the corner of my eye although I didn't really pay much attention to her at first. I remember she was..well, rather a large being however.
My brother, a casual guy at the best of times, decided that he needed a lie-down, and lay back along the bench. I still see this moment play out in slow motion in my head. He lay back, and all of a sudden there was a large arse reversing towards his head.
...It's not that what followed next all happened so fast that I didn't have time to give warning.. it was more that I honestly could not believe that something like this could actually happen in real life, surely someone, one of them, would see what was happening and right it before it all went arse-ways (hehe). It was like some kind of sick curiosity gripped me and I had to let things play out and see what would happen.
And there it was. Neither of them even saw it coming, but the next thing we knew she was sitting on his face. I remember that flash of a look of horror on his face as, at the last moment my brother saw what was about to happen, and then it was lost under masses of behind. She jumped up like she'd been bitten and shot a furious look at him like he'd stuck his head under her arse knowingly, like he was some arse-predator who got his kicks from being half-smothered by people sitting on him, like there was nothing he wanted to do more in the world than motorboat her arse cheeks. In return, of course she got a horrified stare from each of us, the kind that screams 5months of therapy needed from this experience. Then with numerous backwards glares, probably to make sure he didn't follow her and stick that face right in there on the escalator for a round 2, she stormed off into the distance.
We sat there in silence for a few seconds, the brother in an upright position now, learning from his mistakes, processing what had just happened, "Did that actually just...??" Silent nods. "And then she acted like it was your fault". Silence for another few seconds before my peals of laughter echoed round the centre.
"A fat lady just sat on your face!!!!!"
"That bitch", was all he could manage.