Monday, May 9, 2011

My body is not a nesting ground.

There's nothing like that awkward moment where you think you might be pregnant, is there?

Honestly. Doesn't it just warm you up inside??? ...or is that a fertilised egg taking hold in your woman really can't know for certain, can you?? Til of course you either miss the Red Invasion or you don't that month....

I'm not a mothering person. I don't like children. I don't like old people either to be honest, but i most definitely do not like children. I don't know if I can ever stress that enough. Especially the small ones. You know the ones at that stage where there either fresh or they're only comin up to your hip or something. I don't know what it is about them, but whenever I see their smiling little faces I just wanna grab them by the heads and smash 'em into a wall......or throw them off a bridge.... I'm not the kind of person who wants to get knocked up any time soon. I'm not the kind of girl who dreams about becoming a mother and is on the prowl with her latching claws out, just looking for that guy who's definitely going to be 'The One' so that when I find him I can just grab and get crackin on that reproducing thing as fast as possible. No. I hate kids. I think that maybe I have an irrational fear of them, coz like, sometimes when I look at them all I can think is

"you know I don't like you, don't you...and you're just waiting til your ma leaves me alone with you so you can grab me with your claws or bite me with your fangs and kill me!" 
Now, obviously I know that there is no 'scientific' evidence to back up my fangs and talons theory, but I know it's true and that's all that matters. So the thought of having one of those living in me for 9 months is not a comforting one. Grabbing hold of my innards with those sharp fingers and toes and hangin on in there for almost a year...leeching off MY nutrients, and don't get me started on childbirth. Oh it's all well and good for them, they just have to lie there on their backs and wait to be pushed...but for the pusher?? And all along they're pinching you on their way out just to remind you what you're bringing into the world.....
I'm not a maternal person. I don't like children. My body is not a nesting ground.

And that is why, when I indulge in pre-marital coitus, I make sure to bag that shit up. And afterwards, oh man I make sure that nothing got in there by accident. I mean that condom gets almost as much action afterwards as during just to make sure it's all good. And that is why, when recently, the condom was found to be, not only in a state of disrepair, but well and truly ripped to shreds, I found myself thrown into my worst nightmare.

Obviously the first thought was, hey, stand up, gravity will do its job right? Then, that little bit of biology I actually learned came up to show its ugly head and go, Now now, that's not quite the way it works.....
So me and him decided to head off the next morning to get the morning after pill and nuke that shit before it could try to get comfy, or make some living space for itself. But as if that wasn't bad enough, before morning could arrive, not only did I dream about the situation, in dreamworld, my happy little safe place of clouds and  flowers and unicorns and happiness, the little FUCKER infested me and I had to live through the pregnancy and telling my parents....oh God telling my parents...and then 9months later I had a bouncing ball of horror snarling up at me, and I was like shit man, when am I going to wake up, and anyone who knows me knows that this is not something that usually happens, I like being asleep, and when I finally did wake up I was in a panic and a sweat and I was like,
"I got it, quick, punch me in the stomach!!!!!" and he was like.....whaaaa?
"punch me in the stomach!!! get it quick before it can get me!! It's like a home prevention method!!!" ...he did case you were wondering..

Into the joyful place that is Boots, I go to the counter and ask very politely and sell the morning after pill right?

And the nice lady smiles at me in that very lovely way where they're not judging you at all, but I know inside she was thinking (with a smile of course..) "you dirty little tramp...." but instead of saying that out loud, coz y'know if she did shit would've gone down.. she directs me to a little cubicle where she wants to ask me some questions to see if I qualify for the pill and to see if I need, I dunno, counselling or something, and all I can think is, just give me the pill, fuck, you don't even have to gimme water, I'll dry-mouth the thing, just save me!!! I'll take it in public! But instead of saying that and looking like a slut who's used to doing this kind of thing (because I'm NOT) I follow her into her lovely cubicle and answer her questions and then she takes 10minutes getting the pill for me and I'm left there alone with this information leaflet thinking, every moment I wait there could be a little fertilised seed setting up house in my uterus, get back here already!!!!!

The Red Invasion had been a week late anyway this month. Stress, college work, it just got held up. Two weeks later, I'm getting a little bit worried. I drive my friends half-mad going, how do you make it happen?? Like, is there anything you can do to just give it a nudge?? And Vitamin C is suggested, maybe some light exercise, maybe some iron to provide the fuel for take-off?? And it's not happening!!
In desperation one night I ask my friend to google 'Symptoms of pregnancy' so I can see how to know early (i.e. at this stage) if there's a parasite nesting in me. And a list of ways to know if you're lucky enough to be entering one of the happiest periods of your life comes up, and I'm thinking, fuck me, you've got that wrong!!! But at least I know. There's no way to know at this stage... fine...well, how can I encourage my body to not be...or give me a sign that I'm not. And so we try:
'Solutions to pregnancy'
'Cures for pregnancy'
'Home Remedies for pregnancy'
'Alternatives to pregnancy'
and in desperation, finally I suggest 'Home abortions' before I realise how bad that would look on his search history....

"Punch me in the stomach!!!" I suggest to him as well, but he refuses as I punch myself in the stomach for good measure, but we all know how hard it is to really punch yourself, the angle gets all messed up.......
If it's not there by Friday, we'll get a test, we decide..

Friday morning I wake up with stabbing pains in my sides, and all I can think of is NOOOO it's sticking its claws in me!! It's taking hold!!! How the fuck am I going to explain this to my parents???!!! What if I get fat, or get stretch marks?? I don't want to breastfeed or change nappies!! I even hate babysitting!!!

A few hours later the Red Army invaded. I have never been stabbed so many times in the side for so many consecutive days- and I never thought I'd be so happy to feel that pain.... I think I'm a little bit masochistic. And I like it.