Tuesday, December 20, 2011

My Father the D.I.Y. wonder....

My Da really is quite the superhero. Apart from taking control of a farm and his mother at the age of 19, after his father died, he is quite the accomplished carpenter despite having had no training. He's inventive, original and really quite a genius with some of the things he comes up with to make, or the designs he creates.


He's also an absolute idiot sometimes.


Remember that nursery rhyme about the old woman who lived in a shoe? Well a few years ago I was like her. ....Except old..ugh..I hate old people... ...oh, and except for the children.. I just had an awful lot of books.. Like, a serious amount of books.. Like I was drowning in a sea of books. They were filling up my desk and my locker and starting to take over my floor..I'm pretty sure I could've built furniture out of the amount of books I had, had I not been blessed with actual furniture. Anyway, basically I got fed up of wading through mountains of books to get into bed at night, so I asked my da to build me a set of bookshelves. Now I was very specific with what I wanted coz he's good and all that, and he has great ideas, and no doubt his own idea would've been awesome..but I had an idea in my head and that was what I wanted, so he was given his orders.


A few days later, I took an overnight trip to Dublin for a sexy teaparty.. disaster of a teaparty, I got sick, there was no tea or party...that's another story.. anyway, while I was gone my da decided to build my bookshelves and have them ready for when I got home the next day. So he squirreled himself away up in my room with his timber and his tools and put together this amazing bookshelf, just like I wanted, with varying sizes of shelves and stuff, and he fixed it in the corner and varnished it up and varnished it to the wall, and he was dead proud of himself and decided to go fetch my sister and let her admire his handiwork and shower him in praise. So the younger sister goes up and has a look and thought it was class except...


> "Da...you realise her poster's still on the wall, right?"


Yes. My father, DIY wonder, had not seen the MASSIVE POSTER OF DEATH ON A HORSE WITH A SCYTHE that was stuck to the wall in the corner where he had built the bookshelves. And varnished them in place. And the fact that a) there was no back on these shelves and so you could see most of the poster still through the shelves, and b) there was a good few inches of poster still sticking out on one side of the bookshelves meant there was no way that we could just hope it would go unseen.


Of course, the auld lad is totally unphased by this, in fact he finds it mildly humorous.


> "It's grand, I can take it down now sure"


No. No you can't. Because you stuck a set of shelves to it. And varnished it to the wall.


Eventually he realises that he is not going to be able to remove the poster, so he turns to my sister again.


> "Well....does she like the poster?"


> "Yeah, it's her favourite poster!" (It was at the time, stop judging it was a few years ago...and it was awesome....)


No doubt imagining himself to be the smartest bollix that ever walked the planet, the auld lad pauses for a minute for dramatic effect, and then says in a pleased tone, as if he's done me a favour.


> "Sure that's grand so.. She'll have it forever now!"


....you can't argue with the mans logic.