Thursday, February 23, 2012

Grape-arse, the boy wonder

Warning: Do NOT read if you are easily offended.

Now, quite obviously, this boy's name is not grape-arse...nor, to be fair, should he really be classed as a boy, considering he's the same age as me. But I like the name. And it's my blog. So we will call him grape-arse, because when you read his sorry tale, you will understand why I have chosen not to name him. And you too will pity Grape-arse, the boy wonder.

A little background for you on his nickname for this blog. Grape-arse once had a cold or some other non-life-threatening ailment like that. He said he was about 8 or 10 at the time. I read this to be approximately 15... Anyway, he complained to his Granny, who, little dote that she seemingly is, told him, as a joke, that one of those old wives cures was to stick a grape up his arse and that would make him better. He believed her. He stuck a grape up his arse. It did not have any effect on his cold whatsoever. So that's Grape-arse for you.

But it doesn't end there. Oh no, our Grape-arse is not a one hit wonder!

Recently, I was at his house with him and his housemates, who I am friends with as well, and they mentioned something in passing, assuming I had known. I had not, and forced them to tell the tale of woe, and now I am sharing it with you.

Grape-arse was in the shower one day, having a little wank, when out of nowhere he got a blinding headache. This was the worst pain he'd had in his life, so needless to say he was a little bit worried.. A day or two later, he was at the doctors and mentioned that he'd had this horrific shower headache. So obviously, being worried, and it being his job, the doctor decided to explore the matter further, and asked his what precisely he'd been doing at the time.

So Grape-arse, very delicately told him he had been having some alone time...y'know.

The doctor was foreign. He did not know.

So Grape-arse told him he had been wanking. Because obviously if they don't understand 'alone time', you gotta move on to the next extreme altogether... 

The doctor very calmly told him that he had come dangerously close to giving himself a brain aneurysm. He had literally wanked until his brain almost burst. Quite obviously, Grape-arse was extremely put out by this news and worried, but, don't worry, the doctor told him he would be alright so long as he avoided wanking in the shower in future.

I know it's not funny to laugh at brain aneurysms and all, they are serious and dangerous. But after years of hearing stories of people being told that they'd go blind if they wanked, this is just taking the piss.

I think that actually tops my 'being pecked to death by birds' scenario as the worst kind of death to have to explain.

> Sorry for your loss. Very sad. So young. How did he go?

> Ehhhh.. he wanked himself to death.

> least he died doing something he loved...?

...I assume he's going to wank in the bath from now on. Or in his own bedroom surrounded by a dirty air of shame, listening out for the mammy and feelin the eyes of the Lord on his cross that's hanging in the hallway boring into his soul and judging him.... like any normal Irish lad.

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