Saturday, February 9, 2013

My parents: funeral addicts.

My parents love death... I know what you're thinking, get out of the houuuuse! But no,really, don't worry, they're of that generation. That older Irish generation that loves nothing better than a good auld funeral. 

First of all, you get the wake the night before. Oh they love a good wake. Everyone crowding into a house, the rosary going in the background, tea and cake, and of course, a good old gossip. The current deceased, of course, and anybody else who may have died recently, and then, among certain company, anyone who may be on the way out. Though you keep that talk to a minimum among the older folk, in case they get paranoid that you're talking about them.

Then there's the funeral itself. Another excuse to meet up with the neighbours, have a spy on what's going on around the church. A reason to see people from bye-gones, and check up on how everyone's getting on with life, the universe and everything. And a good few prayers by a freezing cold grave-side for your penance. They love those. If you're lucky, of course, you get invited back by the family for tea and sandwiches after the mass. And best of all, you don't even need to know the deceased that well..at all even, to attend! They won't know!

So why wouldn't my parents like a nice old funeral every now and again. ..every now and again. If only it was every now and again. But lately those two crazy kids seem to be attending a new funeral every week. And it reached its crazy-point pinacle last week. When we came home to find a list of dead people on the table in the living room.

You read it right. A motherfucking list of dead people. 

Naturally we were freaked out. Til it was explained that it was a list of people who had died so that they could send mass cards to the family. Very convenient. And a reasonable explanation. But it got me thinking.. And worrying..

Because there won't always be a funeral every week. And they seem to be a little bit addicted to this funeral malarky. And I fear that at some stage there will be a dearth of funerals to attend. A sort of funeral drought. A famine of the funeral variety. And instead of a list of dead people on the living room table, it'll be a list of predicted deaths. And where does it all end???

What if this list of predicted deaths starts to come true? And we begin to find blood-stained clothing in the laundry. And tired of predicting deaths for funerals that may or may not happen, my parents have begun to plan deaths instead??

Now, its common knowledge that I am not the biggest fan of old people. But even I know that this murder business for the sake of a funeral is going a bit far! I knew my parents were secret serial killers.

This funeral pastime needs to be stopped. And soon. It's for their own good.